View From The Ivory Tower

I am not an expert on men. But men don’t seem to know how to deal with me or my barkada. Guys think that they need to be more intelligent, educated, wealthy, funny, spiritual, etc, to get along with us. That they need to have cars and houses and fancy job titles, so they can talk to us. That they need to speak English and have MBAs and have deep thoughts so we’ll accept them.

And while I’m sure these qualities are indeed preferable to some, what I need to assert here, firstly, is that men just have to stop being insecure. It’s insulting to me that a man would think that I would reject a friendship just because his subjects and verbs don’t agree. We are not that shallow. Surely there is something inside a man that is worth knowing. I like to find stuff like that and celebrate it. But if a guy won’t even come near me, how’s that going to happen? Many opportunities are sadly lost this way.

But perhaps we women are partly to blame. We do criticize, joke and shoot down men. And why not? Are we not allowed to be picky, have opinions, prefer things a certain way? We certainly did not get to where we are by being indiscriminate. Yes, there are standards and we have them, but why should that stop you? I’ve heard it said that a man can take a blow. Where are those men?

And besides, ITS JUST FRIENDSHIP. If a man can’t even make decent conversation with a woman, how does he expect to get married? Fairy godmother? Magic mirror? Flying carpet? Get real people! Aren’t men supposed to be the more practical of the two genders?

In light of that, here’s my clue to the clueless men: all women need are comfort and protection.

If you can give a girl that, you’re golden. (Again, this is on the friendship level, k? But this will certainly help a man get to the romantic zone if that is his goal.)

Truth is, we don’t need your money, your jokes, your advice. Of course all of those are really nice, and can help a relationship along. And there are things like sex appeal, dress sense, and physique that have their place in getting men and women together. But to really hold a woman, to capture her and to keep her, what you need to give her are comfort and protection.

What is it to comfort? It is to be a shoulder to cry on, a friend to lean on, an ear to listen. Sometime we need advice, sometimes we need actual help, but really, most of the time, we need empathy and unconditional acceptance and support. We just need a person we can run to at any point in the day with any kind of angst to hear us out, laugh with us and give us that its-going-to-be-alright hug (whether literal or figurative). Just be a non-judgmental refuge to run to when the day gets stressful or confusing. If you stand in our corner with us, cheering us on, and being there to wipe a tired brow, in one way or another, you’ve already won our heart.

Because we don’t want you to fight our battles for us. We want to do it ourselves. We, too, want to accomplish, overcome. But we want you at our side as we do it. Not doing it for us, but holding us up as we engage in battle. The point is that we want you involved, by being present and concerned, but not doing what we need to do.

What does it mean to protect? Yes, it means protecting us from the outside world, whether they be bad men or bad choices, but again, better that this just be a supervisory protection. Please come in when the woman can’t handle it anymore. Sometimes the woman will have to make the mistake and then you’ll have to come in to comfort her. And yes, sometimes, you should step in and get dirty. It will take wisdom and discernment to know when to do this. But a mature, godly woman will appreciate this. Often, just a masculine presence is protection enough, but physically and emotionally. A woman will make different choices knowing a man is watching.

More importantly, though, protection means guarding the relationship from sin. Yes, guard your heart and guard hers too. Of course the woman will also play a part here, but women are designed to follow the leading of the man. So a man must be aware of where he is taking the relationship. The burden of boundary guarding and emotional protection should be mostly on the man. If a man only intends to be friends with a girl he should act in keeping with that. And if a man decides to take the relationship into a romantic level, he must also act accordingly. Ambiguity about this is just wrong. The natural tendency of a woman is to scrutinize every aspect of the interaction to determine what the intentions of the man are, so make sure you are clear! And if you’re not sure, stay on the safe side until you are.

What if you don’t have what it takes? What if you can’t protect her? Can’t comfort her? You don’t know what to do, what to say, how to act? Where do you begin? So you’ve tried before and failed? Been rejected so many times, and with good reason?

Okay, first of all, DON’T PANIC.

Secondly, I suggest you start small. Start with a close friend, a sister maybe, or your mom. Ask her about her day and really listen. Nod, pat her hand, and don’t give advice (unless she asks). Just make her feel comfortable with you, letting her know she can open up to you. Don’t text while she’s talking, or look anywhere else but her face. Ask questions: How did that make you feel? Why was that a stressful situation? How can that be avoided in the future? Don’t make any judging statements: you’re wrong when you did that, that’s so stupid, etc. Commiserate with her: wow, that’s awful, I’m sorry that happened to you, of course you feel that way… You don’t even have to understand everything she’s saying. But the message she needs to receive is that she can be comfortable with you. That you’ll listen, not judge, and accept her. You may wanna do this a couple of times, especially if this is a new behavior for you. She may be weirded out initially, so put in the minutes till she gets the message. From that point on, she may initiate opening up to you on her own. So if that happens, be sensitive enough to know that she is risking rejection to open up to you on her own, so therefore, please show her you value the step she has taken.

After that, try to do this with girls in the circles not so close to your own. Now don’t be fresh and come up to them and ask for the intimate details of their lives the first moment you meet them. Find something that is appropriate to talk about and start there. Again, ask questions and listen. And be sensitive to her cues. Some girls won’t let you talk to them on the first go. That’s ok. That’s not because you’re a loser. Just be sensitive to go as far as a woman is comfortable. After some time and attention, she will let you get closer when she is ready.

Lastly, although it should really be firstly, go and deal with your insecurities and rejection issues on your own. Don’t hang your self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem on any woman’s affection. This is too big a responsibility for us to bear. You must know how wonderful, brave, interesting, powerful you are, with or without a woman telling you so. These are things only God can help you unearth. Get these from any other source and you will be easily shaken.

Writing this has forced me to think of the male friendships that I have. None of these men are perfect, but I value them because they make me feel comfortable and protected. Joe, for one, is someone I know I can trust, whenever I need advice or help. He’s a very good listener and asks a lot of questions, so I always feel comfortable with him. But I know that if I talk to him, I’ve to be prepared to be hurt. He’s not very careful with his tongue. So he’s not very good at protecting me from harsh words, hahaha. But in my experience, he has a good heart, so I just to remind myself of that every now and then.

Then there’s Rocky. Here’s a man I’ve seen grow in confidence through the years. Now this brother is not English-speaking at all, but that has not been a hindrance in our friendship. He’s one of the few people I open up to about difficulties because I know I can count on him for encouragement and prayer. And that is comfort and protection enough.

Jam is only an acquaintance, but he’s really made an impact on my friends and me. He is so comfortable with himself, without being overbearing or over confident, that he leaves you with no choice but to be comfortable with him too. He always talks to me in deep Tagalog, and is quick to translate if he senses that I don't understand. He’s warm but not flirtatious; excellent and also humble. I have no idea what his background or status is, but he carries himself in a manner that says it doesn’t matter. And so, it really doesn’t.

I’ve only known OJ a few weeks, but he quickly won my heart. He labels himself as “not smart,” attributing it to the drugs he used to be addicted to. And he can be simple at times (Chinie, am I boring?) But he’s the guy who asks the right questions no one else would think to ask. He’s saved the day twice in my book. He’s asked me questions I’d never think to ask myself, and said exactly the things I needed to hear. “I’m sorry you went through that,” came from him. It was better than any advice I could have been offered at that time.

And there are more, but I’ll end with Jeff. I call him my “adopted friend” because we became friends for no reason. I met him and decided I liked him and “adopted” him as a friend. And from that day on, I’ve come to discover that my instinct about him was right! With only one working hand (the he lost the other one in an accident), he was the first to offer to carry our bags and packages when we arrived at a party the other night. He then proceeded to get us all drinks, making as many trips as it took. He made us feel comfortable in place where we didn’t know that many people. With him around, I felt safe enough to enjoy the party because he was taking care of us.

So what I hope I have conveyed in this lengthy essay is that it’s really quite simple to be friends with girls. It might take a process, but I hope that what I’ve shared has helped you along even just a little bit. Again, I’m no expert, but I know what works with me and my friends. And I know that the blessings that come from friendships from people of the opposite sex are unique and are truly a treasure. So let’s not miss out on them k?